Don't Lose Sight of the Litte Things

Only a writer would take a break from writing to write something else. I have my final assignment for the week due tomorrow, after which I can enjoy my time off for Spring Break. I’m just staying at home which will be nice, I really could use the time off to reflect and reenergize.

A kind friend read my latest post and reminded me of the simple miracles all around us, so I’d like to share that with all of you. It’s so amazing and joyful; I’m not usually prone to being too emotional, yet when I find myself reflecting on the latest events I cannot help but be completely and utterly overwhelmed by joy that is the love of God. I once wrote, or said, that I feel utterly alone; now I find myself utterly filled with joy. It is a complete joy, a joy that fills me up, a joy that causes me to smile and share that smile with the world because I want to share that joy with everyone I meet.

It’s not that my problems went away, they still persist and will be attended to as time goes on. There is healing to be done, but I think the clearest way to put it is that God showed me that He is still there and will do the healing. I thought it was all over and God showed me that it wasn’t, gosh it wasn’t even close. He brought me this far and He’s not about to abandon me, and for that I am forever grateful.

There are so many kids like me, kids who were misunderstood and ended up getting on the wrong side of the law. There are kids who were left alone like me and ended up doing drastic things and shut their futures out forever. God saved me though, and He reminded me of that, He reminded me that I am loved and that if I give up on myself now, well I’ll miss out on a heck of a lot.

Every day is another part of that realization, every person you meet, every smile you share, every prayer you pray is all part of that grand miracle of your life. Do you ever dwell on that amazing fact? We can get lost trying to make it to the weekend, rather I implore you to live every day, I mean really live it and enjoy it because you never know what will happen. I went into the church service a self proclaimed failure who had long since given up the good fight, and I walked out a man who regained his strength and was ready to live. You never know what will happen today, tomorrow, or next week, you just have to trust in God and keep an eye out for the small miracles along the way.

I just witnessed a miracle

Today I was reminded of who I am and where I came from. It’s amazing, over the past five months I have spiraled down further and further into a funk that was relentless upon my heart and soul. Yet earlier today God plunged His hands down into the depths and He pulled me right and put me back on my own two feet. Today was nothing short of a miracle.

I had planned to talk to FCA about how I’ve spiraled out of control steadily over the past five months; I planned on saying I was sorry for letting it get to this point and that I am no longer fit to run FCA. I planned on saying how I wanted to transfer and leave my problems forever and fade into a distant memory as my great failures were slowly forgotten. Basically I wanted to tell them I was a failure and that I had no right leading them.

Then came today, the last day before my “big announcement.” I walked into church and was struck in the heart by pure joy. The pastor changed her message just before saying the Holy Spirit told her to preach something else, and from then on God took my heart and pumped life back into it, life that had disappeared for five months. I was gone, gosh I was so far gone. I had given up on myself, I truly believed I was worthless and deserved to fall off the radar and disappear from view. That was what I had planned and I was all but ready to go through with it.

God was not ready to give up on me though, and so His voice thundered through the chapel as my chaplain pleaded the congregation to trust in God. I know God was speaking right to me, and for the first time I was convicted. God pulled me from certain failure eight years ago. I was on a one-way track to nowhere and God pulled me out and saved my life. I don’t know why He did what He did, I don’t know what special plan He has for me but I do know this: He’s not done and He is not ready for me to throw in the towel.

I wanted to give up, I wanted to wallow in my pain and watch my life go by, but God is not content because He has a much grander plan for me. God saved me today, He saved me from wasting the rest of my life and making the mistake of believing I am worthless. Thank you God, thank you so much because even though I don’t know why you believe in me I know that it is because there is something you have planned and I will trust in you.

It took a miracle for me to snap out of my five month funk, and I am so grateful to God for pulling me through. I feel as though I’ve woken up from a deep sleep, I feel like I am me again. I will have bad days and I may fall again, but I now know that it is not all for naught, I know that God is there building me up because there is a good work I will do. 

Leviticus: God's "how to" manual

Well at Holy Cross you don’t even get Saturday nights off. It’s one of those weeks where I find myself put to my intellectual limits and to prepare I need to push myself past my physical limits. Someone remind me to thank God for making coffee. Anyway, I finished reading Exodus and am not diving into Leviticus (involuntary groan).

Leviticus is God’s “how to” manual, it lists the requirements for purification and how to handle the worship services and duties. It’s not the most eventful or action packed book, but it is still very interesting nonetheless. It just goes to show you how immensely perfect God is; Leviticus rules out every defect of every kind because God is a perfect God and demands perfection. It’s not that God is harsh or unforgiving, it’s not with our mortal imperfection we cannot bear to be in His presence.

Much like when looking at the sun you need shades, so it is with man and God. We need a buffer, we need a lens for our protection. Here is God’s major attempt to start anew; destroying mankind did not work, choosing one man worked temporarily, now His people are free so let’s give them the rules. It’s funny in a way, Adam had one rule (which was to not learn what the rules are) and the Pharisees of Jesus’ time listed 613 rules.

That’s why Jesus was necessary, and why God and man’s relationship developed to that point. Had the rules worked then the Bible would end at Deuteronomy, but it didn’t. The Israelites wanted a king and all they got was many years of corruption and an eventual invasion. Man could not do it alone, we needed a boost (and oh what a big boost it was).

There won’t be much to post on Leviticus (unless you want to debate the finer points of sacrificing a goat or removing mildew) but I’ll try to post when I can. 

My Promise to You

Here's a late night promise as I relax after an emotionally and physically exhausting day. I hate these sort of resolution promises because are always bound to break them. I am human, heck I'm just a kid and there is no promise I can keep 100%. But here is one I will try my best, every day of my life. For five months I watched my life slip past as I refused to pick myself off of the ground. Now I sit here, not any better but determined to get better. I'm not going to let anything get between me and God and prevent me from having faith, hope, and love. Life is too short and too precious to moan and groan over what I don't have, it's time I turn to God and thank Him for how He has blessed me. Eight years ago I was nothing, I was headed in a bad direction and certainly wouldn't be here right now. God saved my life, and gave me a new one. For that I am thankful every day just to be here where I am, because if it were not for God I don't know where I would be.

Week 4: God as a Guide/Protector

Well we are going to get back on track with our study on Psalms this Monday, so I figured I’d get write to Week 34: God as a protector. For this week I’ll be using my all-time favorite Psalm, Psalm 23.

I love this Psalm, it’s my go-to for when I feel lost or that my life is getting out of hand. My favorite verse is verse 4 “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.” I’ve been in a funk going back to October, maybe even longer. I ask all kinds of questions: why? Where is God in this? What am I to learn? Will I ever get out of it? Yet this verse reminds me that I have no reason to fear, for God is there leading me through it.

I may not be walking through the valley of the shadow of death, but I certainly have had my share of trials to endure. It’s tough, it is tough to be put to your limits and not see a way out. It’s tough to reach out and fear that no one will catch you when you fall. It’s tough to look back on where you were in a time of peace and wonder how you got where you are now. But notice that first verse “the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.” What is it you want most? Fame, fortune, love…? Well, we may never get exactly what we want, but we will get exactly what we need to sustain us.

God is leading me right now, it sure as heck does not feel like it but sometimes all I have are the “big three” faith, hope, and love. Sometimes that’s all you’ve got and that’s all you need. It’s a truly terrifying thought to not know where you are going; when I was in high school I counted on going to college and playing baseball and having a summer job. Now I look forward and there are so many question marks: what will my career be? Will I have a family of my own? But I cannot lose hope nor forget that God is leading me right now.

For now, pray. I am not at the brink of losing faith or strength, nor do I hate it here at Holy Cross like I did before. But I am frightened and stressed and don’t have much to lean back on for support. At times like these we need to trust in God and know He is there leading us, because He always had. He’s the same God who plucked me out of downward spiral of depression and pain 8 years ago, and He’s here to pick me up again and lead me through. 

Everybody Falls

I’ve been thinking a great deal about the series of laws and Exodus, and some of my more recent trials and I have realized something so completely obvious yet terribly hard to admit: I am very far from perfect. I’m not superman but I like to think I am. No, I am a mere man and I will fall down and be unable to get up because that is what being human is about.

God gave us the rules to lay out what it takes to enter in communion with Him. He wants us back, and so here is the most direct way (because in a way, that is exactly what the Israelites wanted). Yet there is a major problem, we can’t do it. Heck I can’t even memorize the laws how am I supposed to follow them? That’s the point, that we can’t it’s impossible.

It is impossible for me to continue on at the pace I currently run. I can’t be superman because I have limits and I often find myself bumping up against them, mainly when many responsibilities coincide. If you look at all the men and women used by God through the ages you find something interesting: all their imperfections are glaring and potentially dismiss them from even being used by God. That’s the point, God uses imperfect people to carry out His perfect plan.

Do you take on too much, or expect too much from yourself? Well if you say no maybe we can compare notes because I sure as heck do. It’s not that I need to set the bar lower, it’s that I need to understand that there is a bar I will never reach alone, and I may try but I will fail with disastrous results. I am broken, beaten down, and weak but if I were not any of those things I would not be useable by God.