Revisiting an Old Idea

I have long said that Philippians 4:13 is my favorite verse. It says “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Being the perennial underdog I found a great deal of comfort in this verse, I liked knowing that I could do the impossible, I liked the thought that though I had several limitations I was unbreakable and could beat the odds, it made me feel strong.

Lately I’ve come to realize that there are many things I cannot do. There are battles in my life that I won’t win, goals I’ll never see accomplished, and dreams that will die. It was very hard early on this year to realize that I was severely flawed and there were things I could never beat. My own strength and capacity were not enough, I had better quit fighting or waste away in the process. Does this mean that the verse is not true though, could it be that I based my life off of a lie?

The answer is yes and no. Yes because of my interpretation, but no to what I find it really means. I took the verse quite literally, I thought I was superman and nothing could beat me. I thought my goodness and drive would keep me safe and that no matter what happened around me I could just dust my shoulders off and keep on moving. It’s not the case though, there are things I simply cannot do. So, what does “all things” really mean? I think that it means that after all I have been through I am still here. I survived, I lived through it and grew in my faith. When life got tough I stumbled but I did not give up or give in, I never lost hope. I won’t be a major league baseball player or super rich and famous, but I will have my faith, my strength, and the people who love me. At the end of the day that is what “all things” means to me, that no matter what I go through I’ll keep going strong by God’s strength. While I had to lose some tough battles, I take great joy in knowing I still have God despite all that I went through.

Just some Thoughts

I've noticed a trend lately. This blog mainly was dedicated to what I read in the Bible or elsewhere, now it seems to be primarily based on my own life and struggles. It's an interesting transition, and I hope to get back to the Bible as I step up my reading a bit (or at least commit a bit more). Still I feel as though in posting thoughts on the Bible it was more of the "in class" work and this year has been God giving me some "hands on experience." In other words, I read the book and now it is time for the test. Still, I will try to balance both writings as I continue onward. I feel as the storm has finally passed but I know God will continue to guide me as I grow closer to Him. When I walked into Holy Cross I was a proud, immature boy. Somehow God has grown me to become a man who desires to be humble, and committed to His word. All I can say is it is a miracle but that's just how God works. It was a hard road and it is just beginning.

Forgive for Your Sake

I’ve been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately. I’ll admit it, for all I say about the need to forgive, I find it difficult at times to forgive those who hurt me. That’s my stubborn Italian nature kicking in at those times, “Why should I let them get away with it?” I ask, should not they get some sort of backlash for how they treated me? Well we can debate the merits of revenge all day, but really what good does it do? Revenge is a perverted sense of justice in that hurting someone else does not undo what they did, instead it fuels a fire that could potentially burn forever.

Still, it’s hard to not be mad at someone for hurting you, I know the feeling quite well as it has been a struggle for me. But God commands us to forgive, the Our Father prayer that Jesus gave the disciples says “forgive us as we forgive our debtors.” So in not forgiving others, we are setting ourselves up as not being forgiven by God. Jesus also commands us to love our neighbors as ourselves and love God above all, so not forgiving someone or harboring hatred against others is hardly in line with that command.

So what are we to do? C.S. Lewis once wrote that forgiveness is not about saying what someone did to you is ok, but it’s about saying you won’t let it get to you. There is a quote that says not forgiving someone is liking drinking poison and expecting them to die. Either way it seems that forgiveness is more for our benefit than the person who hurt us. In my case, if I refuse to forgive someone who hurt me, I end up dwelling on it and become drawn into this cycle of anger. Each reminder of them hurts me further and causes me to lash out against those around me. Now what life is that? I end up giving them more power over me, rather I should take the initiative to let go and let God rule my life in love.

So if you harbor anger ask yourself how it benefits you. Sure you feel strong and tough, you feel like you are in power and that they had better not cross you again, but in reality are you free? Letting go can be tough, especially when the wound hits home, but pray and ask God to fill you with love rather than anger.

Summary of the Year

The problem with having a job as a writer is that I feel I only have so many words in me before I burn through them. So while I consistently pound the keys as a sports writer, my writing for fun begins to dwindle, and so I find this blog lacking in posts. Still, I have had a nice break off from school and am ready to take a good, hard look at what God is doing in my life, and also what He is revealing through His word.

For starters I want to break down the year. This was the worst and best year of my life. It’s a contradiction I know, but you’ll soon see how it is the truth. I once wrote about my time in a ceramics class, and how just as the clay needs to go through the kiln so God puts us to the test so that we may grow. When I was named leader of FCA I was in no way ready for the great undertaking that God had given me. I was a proud man, I thought I was invincible and that became my greatest downfall. I never judged other people, not harshly at least, but I always felt that I was set apart, that I was somehow special. Well I may have thought I was superman, but I quickly found out how lost I really am without God. This year was the tipping point; God allowed all sorts of troubles to enter in and tear me down. One after another battered my soul, causing me to spiral into a depression, nearly leaving my post as president of FCA.

Looking back, I’m grateful for all that. I’m grateful for the pain, struggle, loneliness, and hurt. I’m grateful for the mirror God held to my face so I could see how far I had to grow, and I’m grateful for the people who deserted me. Looking back, this year was the kiln. My pride is gone, so is my ego and sense of invincibility. Instead I am much more humble, dependent on God, and vulnerable. My conversion eight years ago was not the last time I would need to bow on my knees and let God take over, instead it was the first. Every day is a chance for me to recommit my life to God’s work, heck each minute I need to “die” as Paul wrote numerous times in the New Testament.

So where am I now? Well, I have found a renewed sense of peace, I am no longer mired in depression and can honestly say that God has granted me the joy I had prayed for all year long, I just wasn’t ready for it until recently. This isn’t the last time I will be put in the “kiln,” there will be many times God will grow me as I continue on my journey with Him. While it may feel that I am alone, those are the times God is most invested in my life as He saved my life eight years ago and continuously watches over me and guides me. All I can do is say “thank you” and follow His call to wherever He leads me. 

Is This What Peace Feels Like?

Hello, while I will not be done until Tuesday I felt compelled to write since frankly, I miss it. It really is hard to believe that this year is just about over, if someone were to show a picture of where I am now, to myself in November I don’t quite think I would believe him. When I started this year I had a rough plan for how I wanted this year to go, and I can say with a high degree of certainty that nothing could have planned me for everything I experienced this year.

I’m having volunteers write their faith stories to be put in a “book” for all the members of FCA. I am sharing my own, and it has brought me a great realization. This year has been one marked by pain and anger, but in writing my faith story I realize how truly blessed I am. God took an angry little kid who had no future and made him into the man who types these very words. If that is not a miracle I do not know what is. Sure I may not have everything that I always wanted, and while my life has not been easy it is still one I am immensely proud of.

I think my anger and pain that plagued me from October onward was one of frustration and desperation. I didn’t look at the good in my life, instead every time I looked in the mirror I saw my scars but not the joy that healed them. It truly is amazing, that God foreknew what I would be now, and what I will become in the future. It truly puts me at a loss for words. It is just so humbling to see how God works in my life and the lives of others despite my not deserving it. At the end of the day I can feel sorrow over feelings of loneliness, anger, or pain but I know that while this world will fail me God won’t. It has been a big two years, ones that have completely reshaped how I relate to God and others. I think that for the first time in a while I can sit back and thank God for the pain in my life because in the end it brought me closer to Him.

Once my brain recharges when I get home I will be sure to write more often, until then I must study in a panic as I count down the moments until my summer begins. God bless.