Late-Night thoughts

As I sit at my desk running on little more than diet coke and the desire to not be embarrassed to not go to class with my completed Italian assignment, I recalled a moment in early November and could not help but think how far I have come.

I’m not sure if I ever mentioned this, but I seriously considered transferring from Holy Cross. I really was not happy and though FCA had begun to grow by November and things were going pretty well academically for me, I just wanted out. One night in particular though, I was standing outside in the bitter cold, yelling into my cell phone at my father complaining about the school, the people, the environment… I was so willing to blame everyone and everything, but I never took a good long look in the mirror. I never thought to turn to prayer and ask God to change me, to work on my heart. He didn’t need my permission though, He went right to work whether I was ready or not.

As I sit here at my desk roughly five months later, I can’t believe how far I’ve come. This year has been extremely hard, without a doubt it has been the hardest year of my entire life. Not just because of the workload, not just because of November or persisting issues from last year. This year was difficult because God gave me my greatest tests; He threw me into the furnace and though I faced a very real possibility of cracking He kept me together, giving me just enough strength to face each day. As I look back I can’t believe how much I’ve grown in less than half a year, if anyone needs an evidence of a miracle this has to be close enough.

So am I grateful for my suffering this year? Am I grateful for the numerous pains that I have dealt with? That is a hard question to answer, but I am grateful to God for leading me as always, for not letting me fail, and for showing me that I am stronger than I think. I learned a great deal this year, some of those lessons I will readily share and some are of a more personal nature and must be revealed at a later time. As for this late-night rambling, I realize I am not making my usual logical sense, but that’s what you get from someone who has averaged 5 hours of sleep a night the past week and is running on meager amounts of caffeine. More posts to come soon, but not for a while since I will be taking my finals soon and will be preoccupied with my last ditch efforts to pass my classes. Until then, God bless.