Summary of the Year

The problem with having a job as a writer is that I feel I only have so many words in me before I burn through them. So while I consistently pound the keys as a sports writer, my writing for fun begins to dwindle, and so I find this blog lacking in posts. Still, I have had a nice break off from school and am ready to take a good, hard look at what God is doing in my life, and also what He is revealing through His word.

For starters I want to break down the year. This was the worst and best year of my life. It’s a contradiction I know, but you’ll soon see how it is the truth. I once wrote about my time in a ceramics class, and how just as the clay needs to go through the kiln so God puts us to the test so that we may grow. When I was named leader of FCA I was in no way ready for the great undertaking that God had given me. I was a proud man, I thought I was invincible and that became my greatest downfall. I never judged other people, not harshly at least, but I always felt that I was set apart, that I was somehow special. Well I may have thought I was superman, but I quickly found out how lost I really am without God. This year was the tipping point; God allowed all sorts of troubles to enter in and tear me down. One after another battered my soul, causing me to spiral into a depression, nearly leaving my post as president of FCA.

Looking back, I’m grateful for all that. I’m grateful for the pain, struggle, loneliness, and hurt. I’m grateful for the mirror God held to my face so I could see how far I had to grow, and I’m grateful for the people who deserted me. Looking back, this year was the kiln. My pride is gone, so is my ego and sense of invincibility. Instead I am much more humble, dependent on God, and vulnerable. My conversion eight years ago was not the last time I would need to bow on my knees and let God take over, instead it was the first. Every day is a chance for me to recommit my life to God’s work, heck each minute I need to “die” as Paul wrote numerous times in the New Testament.

So where am I now? Well, I have found a renewed sense of peace, I am no longer mired in depression and can honestly say that God has granted me the joy I had prayed for all year long, I just wasn’t ready for it until recently. This isn’t the last time I will be put in the “kiln,” there will be many times God will grow me as I continue on my journey with Him. While it may feel that I am alone, those are the times God is most invested in my life as He saved my life eight years ago and continuously watches over me and guides me. All I can do is say “thank you” and follow His call to wherever He leads me. 

Is This What Peace Feels Like?

Hello, while I will not be done until Tuesday I felt compelled to write since frankly, I miss it. It really is hard to believe that this year is just about over, if someone were to show a picture of where I am now, to myself in November I don’t quite think I would believe him. When I started this year I had a rough plan for how I wanted this year to go, and I can say with a high degree of certainty that nothing could have planned me for everything I experienced this year.

I’m having volunteers write their faith stories to be put in a “book” for all the members of FCA. I am sharing my own, and it has brought me a great realization. This year has been one marked by pain and anger, but in writing my faith story I realize how truly blessed I am. God took an angry little kid who had no future and made him into the man who types these very words. If that is not a miracle I do not know what is. Sure I may not have everything that I always wanted, and while my life has not been easy it is still one I am immensely proud of.

I think my anger and pain that plagued me from October onward was one of frustration and desperation. I didn’t look at the good in my life, instead every time I looked in the mirror I saw my scars but not the joy that healed them. It truly is amazing, that God foreknew what I would be now, and what I will become in the future. It truly puts me at a loss for words. It is just so humbling to see how God works in my life and the lives of others despite my not deserving it. At the end of the day I can feel sorrow over feelings of loneliness, anger, or pain but I know that while this world will fail me God won’t. It has been a big two years, ones that have completely reshaped how I relate to God and others. I think that for the first time in a while I can sit back and thank God for the pain in my life because in the end it brought me closer to Him.

Once my brain recharges when I get home I will be sure to write more often, until then I must study in a panic as I count down the moments until my summer begins. God bless.

Late-Night thoughts

As I sit at my desk running on little more than diet coke and the desire to not be embarrassed to not go to class with my completed Italian assignment, I recalled a moment in early November and could not help but think how far I have come.

I’m not sure if I ever mentioned this, but I seriously considered transferring from Holy Cross. I really was not happy and though FCA had begun to grow by November and things were going pretty well academically for me, I just wanted out. One night in particular though, I was standing outside in the bitter cold, yelling into my cell phone at my father complaining about the school, the people, the environment… I was so willing to blame everyone and everything, but I never took a good long look in the mirror. I never thought to turn to prayer and ask God to change me, to work on my heart. He didn’t need my permission though, He went right to work whether I was ready or not.

As I sit here at my desk roughly five months later, I can’t believe how far I’ve come. This year has been extremely hard, without a doubt it has been the hardest year of my entire life. Not just because of the workload, not just because of November or persisting issues from last year. This year was difficult because God gave me my greatest tests; He threw me into the furnace and though I faced a very real possibility of cracking He kept me together, giving me just enough strength to face each day. As I look back I can’t believe how much I’ve grown in less than half a year, if anyone needs an evidence of a miracle this has to be close enough.

So am I grateful for my suffering this year? Am I grateful for the numerous pains that I have dealt with? That is a hard question to answer, but I am grateful to God for leading me as always, for not letting me fail, and for showing me that I am stronger than I think. I learned a great deal this year, some of those lessons I will readily share and some are of a more personal nature and must be revealed at a later time. As for this late-night rambling, I realize I am not making my usual logical sense, but that’s what you get from someone who has averaged 5 hours of sleep a night the past week and is running on meager amounts of caffeine. More posts to come soon, but not for a while since I will be taking my finals soon and will be preoccupied with my last ditch efforts to pass my classes. Until then, God bless.

Prayers for today

Prayers to everyone today. I got the news right after I had gotten out of class and while my biggest worries were homework and upcoming tests, things like this really put life in perspective. I always heard about stuff happening in other cities and states, but Boston has always been a safe place to me. Sure any city has crime, but nothing this has happened, at least to my immediate recollection. It really shakes me up to think that a place I visit all the time, walk around with ease, that this happened there. I'm praying for everyone affected, whether you lost a family member, saw one get hurt, or still have trouble locating people know that I will be praying for you. At times like this we are harshly reminded that this is a fallen world, but try to remember that there is a God out there who is good, who loves us, and who will protect us. Don't lose faith, use this tragedy to grow it.

Surrender it all?

Often in “church speak” you hear of the idea of dying on the cross ourselves along with Jesus. We are to die every day, as Paul says, in order to achieve a life with God. I never really understood that, I mean isn’t being saved a one-and-done thing? That’s what I thought, I thought it was as simple as saying “yes” to God and that was where my effort ended. God has shown me different though, every day I need to hand my life over to Him. I need to make a conscious effort every moment, it’s not just saying I believe once.

So God, I give you my baseball skills, my writing ability, my grades, my relationships…  Everything I have right now at this moment I surrender to God, and I pray that later today I will surrender it again, and tomorrow, and the next day. That’s what this life is about, it’s about putting God first and striving to Him every moment. It sounds hard, but I think the hardest part is being consistent about it. Remembering to dedicate what we have when we are on top, and down low. That’s the tough part, remembering who we are and why we are here.

So try it, try to surrender to God today. Give over everything you have to Him and let Him take control. He knows where you are going, surely He will not lead you astray. I’m a  man of action, I like to do everything myself so this can be especially hard for me. But right now I surrender it all to God, and I will die every day as Paul commands us.

A Few Ramblings

This is a bit of a departure from my Biblical readings, but it is a Biblical post nonetheless. In one of my English classes we are reading Doctor Faustus which was a play written a long, long time ago (1500’s I think). Anyway the play is about a man named Faustus who out of pride and greed for knowledge sells his soul to the devil to achieve greater power than he could ever imagine. Faustus has very little faith, yet he still senses he had made a mistake and the play depicts his transformation as the clock ticks down to the end of his life.

The key question in the play is centered on whether one can repent from anything, and goes further another level to the concept of predestination.

Now, I do not claim any sort of superior knowledge, I am armed with nothing more than a mediocre understanding of the Bible alongside any sort of reasoning abilities found in any 19 year old. My professor asked if Faustus can repent and while I did not speak (because I did not know myself) I think that he can, and here is why.

The devil may have a signed contract for Faustus’ soul, yet the devil still has to play by the rules of the universe, and that is a universe created by God. God is infinitely more powerful than any curse from the devil and I firmly believe that He can break through any sort of bind the devil has on us. Does that mean we are free to do as we please? Well, repentance starts in your heart, and if you take a path away from God don’t expect your heart to repent so easily. Faustus never repented because he didn’t think it was possible, I think if he tried he would find God’s power to be more than enough to save his soul.

That brings us to the idea of predestination: was Faustus unable to repent because of his pride, or was he destined to be condemned? I’ve touched on the idea of predestination before and I am not about to confront centuries of church doctrine. All I know from my own life was that I was unsaved as a child and God found me and picked me up. I chose to draw to Him when He found me, I’m sure I could have done the opposite but that doesn’t matter to me. Whether I was destined to be called to God I simply don’t know, I do know that I was not born saved, rather I was born in circumstances that really didn’t inspire any thoughts of greatness towards my life.

I think the biggest barrier for me embracing predestination is that it essentially means there are people out there born to die in hell, and that is not what Jesus’ sacrifice means to me. I think anyone can be saved, but it all hangs on what they choose. I’m sure God knew where I would end up I often ask Him to reveal His plan for my life, but I don’t think that He had that complete control over the choice I made.

Still I don’t quite know, because recently God plucked me from despair because, I believe, I still have much work to do here at Holy Cross. Did I choose to follow Him again or was it all predestined? I fear this post has more questions than answers, but it is important to ask these questions and it is okay to not understand the answers.