Found by God

I just finished Surprised by Joy by C.S. Lewis. I remember walking through the cavernous “Powell’s Bookstore” in Oregon (seriously, the store occupies a square block of the city) and walking through the religious book section as a teenager who had lost his faith. I glanced down and saw a vast collection of C.S. Lewis books and picked up my small, slightly worn copy. I then devoured it in the back of the car as my family drove around Oregon on our visit to my family out West. Here I am again about three years later, still finding solace but of a different kind.

C.S. Lewis wrote something interesting about his faith, he wrote that God found him not the other way around. So often we talk about us finding God, how we need to search for Him as if He is hiding from us. Imagine that, God hiding from you! Look around, go out for a walk, climb a mountain, listen to a song, hug a friend and you will find God, my friend look around for God is around us at every moment! No, I did not find God, rather I ran from Him. For five long months I spiraled into a funk/depression/blues and I ran away from God, from responsibility, from faith. No, I did not find God, He found me. He put me in church and thundered His voice in my ear while pouring His love into my heart.

It’s a funny thing about faith, we always seem to think of it as a choice or a switch. As if entrusting the future of your soul was as simple as switching soda brands. Faith is complex, it’s ambiguous, and it’s all together miraculous. I did not choose this life, God chose it for me. He picked an angry, scared, sad child and threw him into the journey that has been the past seven (coming on eight!) years of my life.  It truly is nothing short of a miracle.

So wherever you may be, whether you are trying to find God or gave up, maybe instead of pushing yourself so hard try to think about it instead as allowing God to find you. Stop your resistance, stop the fight because it only drains you in the end. Let God find you and fill your life with joy that cannot be expressed. I always thought of myself as a decent writer, and even with all the words in the English language at my disposal I cannot even hope to express how I am feeling. No metaphor or allegory can express it, it is real, it is the feeling of being found.