Random Musings

Here I sit at the end of my break with only a few more days left before I go back to school. Where am I? Who am I? What will I do? I feel like these questions have been, in part, answered. I feel like for the first time in I don’t know long I have heard God as clear as day, as clear as the words typed on your screen.

The old pain persists, the old heartache that has plagued me ever since I was a young child is still there. My life is in no way perfect, but I’ve learned that I don’t have to put on a mask and pretend it is. Yes I blog here with musings on the Bible and yes I lead a Bible study at a Catholic school, but I am still a very broken man who lives every day on the strength that God infuses into my heart.

For the first time in months, maybe even years, I am feeling joy. Not happiness, and surely not giddiness, I mean joy, real joy! I mean the joy that brings tears to your eyes because you cannot believe how lucky you are to simply be alive, I mean the joy that makes you want to go out with a smile and share your love with others. I may still be broken and may be reminded of it every day, but I am not dictated or controlled by it.

Where do I go from here? Well, as I have always done in the past I will just have to trust in God and take it one step at a time. God turned my life around eight years ago, and I know that He has grand plans for me that are unfolded every day of my life. It is from joy that I find the “big three” faith, hope, and love. It is from joy that I feel I am truly living again rather than passively watching the days go by as I counted down the minutes until I could sleep again.

It truly is amazing, there are no other words to describe it better than those three. While the adrenaline of two weeks ago is gone the joy is still there, the stillness in my heart and skip in each step is still there. The hope that something better is ahead of me keeps me going despite my past and current trials.

As I continue to plow through Lewis I will keep posting, I’ve started off with Surprised by Joy, the book that literally saved my faith when I had none. I felt it was fitting to start off with that one and then dive into my collection (which is vast). It could take months or even years, but I will keep on reading as I try to find out what God wants from me.

The choice of Lewis is not completely by chance. He is my favorite author and, in my opinion, one of the great Christian thinkers, there is another reason though: C.S. Lewis inspired me to be a writer. If it were not for Lewis writing down his thoughts as a layman 70 years ago (is it that long!) this blog would not exist. So as my life turns a new corner (and my blog follows suit) I see it fitting to go to the man who inspired it all (in addition to God being the supreme inspiration, of course).