Random Musings

Here I sit at the end of my break with only a few more days left before I go back to school. Where am I? Who am I? What will I do? I feel like these questions have been, in part, answered. I feel like for the first time in I don’t know long I have heard God as clear as day, as clear as the words typed on your screen.

The old pain persists, the old heartache that has plagued me ever since I was a young child is still there. My life is in no way perfect, but I’ve learned that I don’t have to put on a mask and pretend it is. Yes I blog here with musings on the Bible and yes I lead a Bible study at a Catholic school, but I am still a very broken man who lives every day on the strength that God infuses into my heart.

For the first time in months, maybe even years, I am feeling joy. Not happiness, and surely not giddiness, I mean joy, real joy! I mean the joy that brings tears to your eyes because you cannot believe how lucky you are to simply be alive, I mean the joy that makes you want to go out with a smile and share your love with others. I may still be broken and may be reminded of it every day, but I am not dictated or controlled by it.

Where do I go from here? Well, as I have always done in the past I will just have to trust in God and take it one step at a time. God turned my life around eight years ago, and I know that He has grand plans for me that are unfolded every day of my life. It is from joy that I find the “big three” faith, hope, and love. It is from joy that I feel I am truly living again rather than passively watching the days go by as I counted down the minutes until I could sleep again.

It truly is amazing, there are no other words to describe it better than those three. While the adrenaline of two weeks ago is gone the joy is still there, the stillness in my heart and skip in each step is still there. The hope that something better is ahead of me keeps me going despite my past and current trials.

As I continue to plow through Lewis I will keep posting, I’ve started off with Surprised by Joy, the book that literally saved my faith when I had none. I felt it was fitting to start off with that one and then dive into my collection (which is vast). It could take months or even years, but I will keep on reading as I try to find out what God wants from me.

The choice of Lewis is not completely by chance. He is my favorite author and, in my opinion, one of the great Christian thinkers, there is another reason though: C.S. Lewis inspired me to be a writer. If it were not for Lewis writing down his thoughts as a layman 70 years ago (is it that long!) this blog would not exist. So as my life turns a new corner (and my blog follows suit) I see it fitting to go to the man who inspired it all (in addition to God being the supreme inspiration, of course). 

Nowhere to Go but Up

Yesterday I wrote that I was “awaiting orders” from God. Now I sit with my collection of C.S. Lewis books and a cup of tea at the ready. I don’t know where I will go, but I have a feeling that diving into C.S. Lewis and revisiting some of what shaped my early faith is a good start.

It’s amazing, I feel as though I’ve woken up from a deep sleep (perhaps a nightmare is the best way to put it) and now that I’m awake and rejuvenated it is time to walk. This week off could not have come at a better time, I’ll get a chance to cook, prepare for the baseball season, and just sit and reflect which is something I never get to do much of at school. I pray that God continues to lead me and show me the way before my feet. I have trusted in Him this far and will continue throughout my life.

It’s exciting and frightening and empowering and… how can I put it to words other than I feel that the ground beneath my feet is once again firm and that I once again have found faith, hope, and love. Stay tuned for more as I continue through the Old Testament and of course the many musings I will have on C.S. Lewis. 

History Channel's "The Bible"

The History Channel ran the first part of their series on the Bible, and I have to admit something: I went in expecting it to be bad. So many shows on the Bible always disappoint me; they either get a crucial aspect wrong or they try to explain away the miraculous aspect. While this program did leave out some stuff (Jacob and Esau, Joseph…) and it seemed to add a great deal of violence, I found it to be satisfactory, which is saying something.

One thing I really liked is that it portrayed Abraham and Moses’ struggles with faith very well. I think that ties in very well with my own series on “what is God telling us about Him?” Before God had called Abraham He was relatively unknown; there was no formal religion or set of rules Abraham really was on his own. Despite that he trusted God and put everything he had into trusting Him. It was so remarkable to watch, to see Abraham constantly remind his family to trust in God even though he may have lost some faith himself.

It reminds me of the sermon I heard a week ago on how Abraham trusted in God no matter what, and that God had brought him so far He wouldn’t leave him standing alone in the desert. Sometimes we think that because the Bible is 3,000 years old that it doesn’t matter anymore, sometimes we think the story ended with Revelation and will pick up whenever the world ends.

When we think that way though we forget that this story is ongoing; that you and I are part of God’s grand plan to bring His people back to Him. The story is not over, a new page is written every day! It started thousands of years ago with the call of Abraham and it kept on going right to this very moment as you read these words. I guess that is what I liked about the portrayal, not just the accuracy but that it did a great job of showing faith in action.

No one ever said this life would be peaceful or easy. I have a few good reasons to complain about the hand I’ve been dealt, yet here I sit saved by God’s grace and completely overwhelmed by His love. It really is amazing to think about it in light of what has been going on in my own life: God is leading me now, and He is just the same as when He lead Abraham and Moses, Joshua, King David… and He is leading you too.

Unfortunately I won’t really be able to watch at school, but at least I got to see part one and was reminded once again of what my faith means and how important it is.

Where do I go from Here?

I sit in my room a week away from my being once again saved. It’s a pretty amazing moment; on one hand I feel stronger now than I have ever felt yet at the same time I am fully aware of my weakness and how desperately I need God to continually strengthen me.

Many of my problems still persist, indeed there is still a great weight upon my shoulders that is gradually being lifted. The thing that has changed though is my attitude and perception of my life and surroundings. Though hell may break loose around me, I know without a doubt that God is still there and He has a plan for me. I could have left Holy Cross or left FCA, but God has some plan for me that counts on my being where I am. When I went to Holy Cross for the first time I knew that I had to go, and that need to be here is slowly being revealed before my eyes.

There are so many kids who are misunderstood like me, so many kids forgotten and left behind, throw out by the world because their stories are “too ugly.” I do not know why I was saved when I was, I do not know why God refuses to let me fail, but I do know that He loves me and that is all that matters.

Now I stand back on my two feet, still facing monsters as always but this time I’m standing on the rock of my faith, not on the quicksand of my “funk.” The question now is where do I go? Where will I go from here? You’ve got me back God, so where will you take me? It’s a terrifying yet fantastic feeling. Every day is another piece of the puzzle as God leads me to become the man He had in mind when He formed me 20 years ago. It’s a journey and one that is never easy.

I thank God for saving me again, I thank Him for not forgetting me when I forgot myself, now I ask that He show me the way because I am standing again and ready to go wherever He may lead me.

It is fitting now, as I start a new journey I am reminded of the first verse of the Bible I ever committed to memory: “Your lamp is a light to my feet and a lamp to my path.” Psalm 119:105. 

Don't Lose Sight of the Litte Things

Only a writer would take a break from writing to write something else. I have my final assignment for the week due tomorrow, after which I can enjoy my time off for Spring Break. I’m just staying at home which will be nice, I really could use the time off to reflect and reenergize.

A kind friend read my latest post and reminded me of the simple miracles all around us, so I’d like to share that with all of you. It’s so amazing and joyful; I’m not usually prone to being too emotional, yet when I find myself reflecting on the latest events I cannot help but be completely and utterly overwhelmed by joy that is the love of God. I once wrote, or said, that I feel utterly alone; now I find myself utterly filled with joy. It is a complete joy, a joy that fills me up, a joy that causes me to smile and share that smile with the world because I want to share that joy with everyone I meet.

It’s not that my problems went away, they still persist and will be attended to as time goes on. There is healing to be done, but I think the clearest way to put it is that God showed me that He is still there and will do the healing. I thought it was all over and God showed me that it wasn’t, gosh it wasn’t even close. He brought me this far and He’s not about to abandon me, and for that I am forever grateful.

There are so many kids like me, kids who were misunderstood and ended up getting on the wrong side of the law. There are kids who were left alone like me and ended up doing drastic things and shut their futures out forever. God saved me though, and He reminded me of that, He reminded me that I am loved and that if I give up on myself now, well I’ll miss out on a heck of a lot.

Every day is another part of that realization, every person you meet, every smile you share, every prayer you pray is all part of that grand miracle of your life. Do you ever dwell on that amazing fact? We can get lost trying to make it to the weekend, rather I implore you to live every day, I mean really live it and enjoy it because you never know what will happen. I went into the church service a self proclaimed failure who had long since given up the good fight, and I walked out a man who regained his strength and was ready to live. You never know what will happen today, tomorrow, or next week, you just have to trust in God and keep an eye out for the small miracles along the way.